Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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