youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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