Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
