What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
