i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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