I think my fart just growled at me.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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