yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
