what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
