Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
