he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
