I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
