he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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