Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
