I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
