Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
