I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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