At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
