is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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