Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize