Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Randomize
