my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
