i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
