I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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