someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
