You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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