So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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