No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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