Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize