Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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