Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
