Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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