youre lurking in front of me
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i drank out of a bidet.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
