I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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