I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
