I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
