you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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