Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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