Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
