last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
