even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
