The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
