I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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