we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
