I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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