I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
