I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
