Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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