Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
