shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
