Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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