Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
