I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
