I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
