the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
