I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize