You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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