so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
