Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
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