ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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