after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My vagina is officially offended.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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