gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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